It’s a late night post, and I’m tapping away on my keyboard realizing how much I’ve missed when I don’t give myself a break. I get so drunk on my daily work tasks in the week that I never space enough time to just breathe. While I love the work I’m doing, I forget that sometimes you still need to take a break from it to recharge.
It’s a bad habit of mine to continously work and forget about resting, and even eating as I work on my content creation. I’m not uber popular, nor youtube famous, but I’m driven to compete with myself to pursue my dreams. Dreams that I’ve let dwadle and simmer in the background, while I chased paper and ran myself into the ground with work I despised.
However, it was stories and words that kept me going, and I would just tell myself ‘hold on just a bit more. There’s a happy ending out there, you have to go after it, not wait for it.’ It’s hard to keep that train of positivity, it really is, and I get tired of people telling me these words;
“but you’re so strong, look at how far you’ve come.”
It bothers me when I’m told this by anyone, I feel as if my feelings are not even validated. What if I’m tired of looking strong, and listening to how you keep recounting about all these other feats I did. I’m not looking for a pep talk, I’m looking for someone to listen and hear me exhale. I know you’re not coming from a bad place, I truly understand you mean well, but listen to my heart that cries… I need to crash…
My only way to escape from even the tired feelings that chase me on a daily basis, is reading, and I feel that I have neglected that area for far too long. I realize I would start a book and then not be able to continue, it’s not even a hangover, it’s the fact that I will get caught up in something else and forget to read.
Today, I was ‘encouraged’ to leave my desk and breathe by my husband who had growing concern over my constant staring and typing (including my extreme meltdown the other day because nothing was coming to mind). I went with my family on a drive to Chinatown, and during that time I listened to an audiobook that I had been holding off on.
I swear, it really turned my world upsidedown to hear the story, it doesn’t matter if it were a written verse or spoken word. The story captured me and made me laugh and melted away the pressure I had been shouldering for so long. Knots in my back coming undone as I found myself laughing and fighting along Galactic Gladiators, and falling for a Vice Commander.
It also helped me realize how much I want to want this kind of feeling to wash over my own readers when they read my own books. I’m so attached to my characters and I want others to either hate them for legit reasons, or to be just as in love with them as I am. Love enough to realize you can fight again, and have the tension that had you strung up through the week be released and tidal wave out of your body.
I want to believe, and breathe in that idea. It won’t ever be easy, and that proves that I am just as much a fighter as my Souryos, Jaegers, and Magicians.
Gotta fight for that love.